Using advances in monitoring technologies that allow us to fully track every aspect of your work, we have observed the following violations of your expected performance as a Warehouse Associate during this month:
Time off task (4 sec): Wiped the sweat from his forehead, instead of tolerating, or preparing himself not to perspire.
Idle Time (3 minutes cumulative): Nerve sensors have detected multiple instances of your nervous system taking an excessive 0.3 seconds to send a signal from your brain to your body to engage in your work tasks.
Unproductive verbs (2 minutes): Used company bathroom for private urination.
Time off task (37 minutes in total): Brain sensors detected distracting thoughts, such as, “How does it feel to sleep?”, “Please end this,” and the urge to drink beer or gasoline until you pass out.
Misuse of Company Property (5 minutes cumulative): The swivel capacity of your neck was engaged to keep the eye away from work tasks.
Unproductive activity (6 minutes cumulative): Skin sensors detect that half an inch of your hair grew over the course of a month during working hours. You are instructed to reapply all the efforts spent for hair growth in your work duties.
Time off task (10 sec): The announcement of working hard for an hour distracted attention.
Sub-par Performance: Your right hand is performing better than your left hand. You are instructed to attend company-provided bisexual training workshops after your shift (unpaid).
Misappropriation of company property: Skin sensors detect the four gallons of sweat produced during your shift. Since it was made in working time, this sweat is ours. we want it.
Others (90 minutes): A perfectly adequate job, but your heart’s not in it.
Time off task (12 minutes): Neural sensor detects hunger before your lunch break. Hunger is personal time.
Time off task (10 minutes): During company-mandated mindfulness sessions, emotion sensors found that you were resistant to the company’s mood-boosting techniques.
Unproductive verbs (4 minutes): Experience happiness (happiness is not currently part of your benefits package).
Excessive communication with coworker (5 seconds): Any conversation with a coworker that is long enough to fit the verbalization of the word “unionize” is prohibited.
Unproductive Activities (5 hours cumulative): Gene monitoring scans indicated that your DNA is replicating with traits that are not conducive to producing offspring that will one day work for this company.
Unproductive Activities: excessive sweating You are instructed to shake off all the sweat at the end of each week.
Time off task (10 hours): The lung sensors indicate that you took 18,154 breaths when approximately 16,000 large breaths would deliver the same amount of oxygen to your body. You are instructed to practice deep breathing during your off hours, or commuting to work.
Misappropriation of company property: Muscle sensors detect that you used skills you acquired at work on the day off.
Unauthorized operation (12 minutes): Created a denied exit from your workspace to escape the extreme heat, leaving the machines alone in your workspace.
Performance Note: In the presence of an observer, blood sensors detect insufficient amounts of dopamine in your bloodstream.
Time off task (48 minutes): Spending excessive time in sweat collection chambers.
Idle time (5 minutes): The right hand was cut off in the conveyor belt. The right hand then spent the company’s time cringing and rattling, when most studies show that a hand can continue to function for about 5 minutes after being severed.
Unproductive Activities (2 hours): The distress experienced is not related to your poor job performance.
Subpar Performance: There is a decrease in performance because your poor performing hand is the only hand left. No one took advantage of ambidextrous training when they still had both hands!
Downtime (3 days): Recovering from surgery to attach a company-provided robotic arm takes an inordinate amount of time. (Observer’s note: “You’re welcome!”)
General Performance: The rest of your body is underperforming your robotic limb. You are instructed to come to work as a robotic arm only and without human detail.
Unproductive Activities: The robotic arm isn’t causing us nearly the same amount of sweat as your rear right arm.