What Your Liberal Arts College Professors Are Really Doing for Summer Vacation

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Anthropology: Dr. Ellis is enjoying summer BBQs and backyard pool parties; She certainly isn’t worrying about grading papers or summoning a horde of lizard monsters for Gork the Lizard King.

American literature: Dr. Smith is spending his summer touring the Mississippi on his houseboat while taking his fall course. A typical day for him begins at dawn when he slips into the deep muddy waters to catch fishermen early in the morning. Around lunchtime, he’ll settle into his custom Fisherman’s Skin Club chair to read new York Times “book review” section and occasionally repeating the odd piece of line and tackle. Life is good for the Lizard King, newly tenured professor/newly appointed general of Gork’s growing Lizard army.

Biochemistry: Dr. Finkleman has enjoyed summer experiments for his study on lizard cell mutations, as well as fielding emails from worried parents asking why his students returned home with such poor grades and webbed feet. She would simply reply, “Long live Gork, the Lizard King.”

Sculpture 101: Dr. Brown spends his summer using cut-up copies of the Constitution to build a paper mache temple for the Lizard King, Gork, who will rise from the campus swamp and create his Lizard Monster Army, led by his General Dr. will do. Smith.

Introduction to Game Theory: Professor Plymouth spends his summer building a maze big enough to consume the entire maths wing. This maze can only be solved by the mind of a lizard and is designed to lure incoming freshmen into the dark, wet places of academia. She will also take some time off to visit her father, Gary. Joe, strangely enough, lives in Gary, Indiana, and is a Level 6 Gecko Prince who specializes in hypnotizing college interns to join his “think-tank”.

Health-science: Dr. Fillmore is spending his summer planning a mass introduction of bio-engineered mosquitoes to the freshman student group in the fall. The mosquitoes would be trained to spread the lizard virus that would infect their brains, making them the next generation of miniaturized monsters. He also plans to finally be ready to read to become by Michelle Obama.

Introduction to Tai Chi: Miss Violet will be hosting a free “Tai Chi and Chai Tea” community meeting at her local library over the summer. During her class tea break, she would attempt to lure her unsuspecting students to the banks of the Mississippi River, where Gork, along with Lizard King Dr. Smith and hordes of lizard monsters, would be waiting. The blood will flow like… well, the Mississippi River, and Miss Violet will drink all the tea herself.

Poetry 101: Mr. Heidenberg, a new instructor fresh out of graduate school, confirms his suspicions that he is slowly turning into a Lizard Man after getting a pinch on the shoulder from Dr. Smith during last season’s orientation. He spent the summer eating worms from the filter of the school’s swimming pool and writing poems that are honestly a bit fanciful.

Movie 201: Dr. Livermore has not yet been infected with the Lizard virus and is documenting the rise of Lizard King Gork in 4k. He was planning to openly expose the plot, but came too close and is now spending the last weeks of his summer in Gork’s stomach with the school’s provost, Dr. Prateek. “Another summer wasted,” Dr. Livermore will think when he uses Dr. Prateek’s corpse to stop the Gorx lizard’s enzymes from eating his flesh.

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