Welcome to the Feet of Sorrow Expansion Pack!



AleWell, just like you’ve unlocked the Phases of Grief expansion pack! Now you have access to all the extended add-ons during this emotional free fall.

While some people rush through stages to “get on with their lives,” you are Peter Jackson walking through the abyss, and you will advance, regress, and regress at your own pace. Don’t worry, this version still includes Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five original steps—technically, there’s just no way around them.

Refuse

A time-tested classic. “How are you?” Use your creative storytelling abilities by answering the questions. Shrugging a soft shoulder and crouching over “I’m good!”

The Nile is a river in Egypt

Now you are overcompensating with jumlas.

podcasting

In your pursuit of distraction at 2 a.m., you come across a fun fact. Did you know that platypuses are blue and green in ultraviolet light? Although you can keep the wonders of those beautiful beaked otters to yourself, a brief 50-minute monologue interrupted by a microphone, headset, and a Blue Apron ad will call you out. If it doesn’t reach a wider audience, you’ll feel silly, no, selfish.

Anger

Behind the slow-moving person, you’d obviously google, “Is ACME anviling a real thing?”

deletion

Remember when Marie Kondo taught us to evaluate our items and ask, “Does this spark joy?” Here’s a spin on it! You’ll pick up your phone and ask, “Does this remind me of the Screaming Zero?” If it does, it is removed! You’re offloading 50 GB of stuff: texts, group chats, non-consensual photo slideshows. Who needs their most damned “memories” set in Hans Zimmer’s delicate soundscape, anyway?

rash

A non-WebMD-able dermatology secret. It will just appear one day. And when it is ready it will go.

bargaining

Flashback time! You will repeat every decision you have taken so far. Hey, what if you forwarded the “You’ve been hit by a sexy truck” email to 8 of your closest friends to avoid “10 years of un*sexiness”?

fashion dysmorphia

Suddenly your wardrobe is filled with hospital gowns and full clown regalia? These clothes used to be cute, some glory day we’ll call 2015, but now they look amazingly disgusting, and everything is garbage, and all the clothes are going into the ocean containing microplastics and harming the seals, so who are we kidding? (Reader, the clothes look like that.)

rainbow wheeling

It is not a fool’s fight at all, but a fool’s neighbor’s fierce competition. It won’t be your fault. Your brain must be spinning in rainbow wheel mode. The names will just be on your tongue. Was that bald fool David Leary or Barry Sanders? The world will whisper about you like the muffled wah-wah of the Peanuts teacher.

Depression

IYKYK.

Nonsense

The body’s attempt to vent all your obvious sorrows through a small, weary hole.

loss of taste (diet related)

Congratulations, you’ve reached a baby milestone: solid food and complete dietary neutrality! Meal prep now includes Hot Pockets heated on a radiator, bell peppers folded into toasted (uncut) and unheated English muffins, and Pixie Stix before noon, traditionally eaten straight to bed. Loss of taste will often occur before or after shitquaking, depending on your life choices.

loss of taste (offensive)

“Siri, play ‘Sweet Child O’Mine’.”

insta-earnest

An extremely generic connection to an inspirational quote sourced from Instagram algorithms to perfectly summarize your complicated emotional moment. You’ll feel the powerful, no-holds-barred message, the swirling bridesmaid-y font, the satisfying kerning that leaves ample room for your emotions. You can kiss that graphic designer’s lips. Sharing might not really be your style—but think about the lives you’ll touch. Otherwise what hint can you give to an ignorant public of your very unknown inner world! You will not have any match in its seriousness. Add to Story!

insta-regret

No one answered that life changing quote. Shit, is it you now? It’s only been 3 hours and 42 minutes! Go back to the deletion step!

forest gumping

Compulsion to tell the story of your life to every stranger in the ear. Maybe they just noticed because you gave them a light snack and then psychologically outlined their shoes. But maybe, they’re really interested in learning about your mom’s disciplining style and how it’s influenced your approach to relationships right up to the moment you found your amazing new friend right here on this bench.

Accept

You’ll still be in pain, but you’ve actually read that viral article everyone’s talking about.

haircut (acceptance)

Not unlike the acceptance phase, in which you accept the permanent reality of your loss, this final phase will be all that growth plus a cool new haircut. You might not be ready for that new partner, pet, career, or home, but you are ready for the importance. You are ready to bang.

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