The Moment When I Realized My Date’s Trench Coat Had A Swarm Of Spiders

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“Hey, thanks for coming! Nice trench coat.”

“Of course! Nice to meet you! So where’s the date?”

“What do you mean? It’s the date.”

“It is a restaurant. where is the date? Like a fruit with a swarm of flies hovering around it?”

“Forgive me?”

“Ummm…” (breaks up into a thousand spiders)


“Hey, thanks for coming to this restaurant!”

“Of course, nice to meet you!”

“It was nice to see you!”

“The mention of fly fishing on your profile intrigued me. I also love fly fishing!”

“Wow great! Let me show you a picture of this fish I caught.”

“fish?”

“Yeah, you know, the thing you’re trying to catch using a fly—”

“Ummm…” (breaks up into a thousand spiders)


“Hey, thanks for coming to this restaurant!”

“Of course, nice to meet you!”

“So you don’t like fly fishing do you?” Especially not the kind where you set out a net and try to catch flies.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Not at all, I’m sorry. Forget I said that.”

“So your profile intrigued me. Our work is the same!”

“Oh no way haha! Yes, I believe that being a web designer is great. I love knowing that people will log on to the Internet, this kind of figurative web, that will connect the whole world and–“

“ummm” (breaks up into a thousand spiders)


“Hey, thanks for coming to this restaurant! I recently quit my job as a web designer and I hate fly fishing.

“Haha, you got straight to the point.”

“Sorry… so you like Marvel movies! Who is your favorite character?”

“Hmm…well…maybe…Iron Man.”

“Astonishing.”

“Yeah, and I feel like movies are better in theaters.”

“Oh my god me too! However, I really don’t like how the ceiling is so high and hard to clean, plus I hate how people throw their sweet candy on the ground and—”

“Ummm…” (breaks up into a thousand spiders)


“Hey, thanks for coming to this restaurant. Movie theaters are overrated, and I don’t fly fish or work nets.”

“Sure. So your profile says you’re good at sarcasm?”

“Uhhhh, yeah, you could say so, haha.”

“Haha.”

“Do you?”

“Of course, satire takes perspective, and you could say I have a thousand perspectives.”

“Haha, I get it, I get it. So you look fine, should we go back to our house and… you know…”

“Oh, you won’t eat me later, will you?”

“Yeah, I’ll definitely eat you later…”

“Ummm…” (breaks up into a thousand spiders)


“Hey… thanks for coming to this restaurant, I guess…”

“Are you okay? You seem a little sad.”

“It’s okay, I’ve had a lot of trouble with online dating. Why can’t people be themselves?”

“It is difficult sometimes. We all want people to like us.”

“Sure, but what’s the point of hiding it? I’ll find out eventually. Like I wouldn’t mind if you were a bunch of spiders in trench coats! As long as you’re honest with me.”

“Why did you use that example specifically?”

“Just an expression.”

“Oh haha, well, if we’re being honest, some of my dates have turned into a bunch of spiders in trench coats.”

“Really?! I thought I was the only one! I started thinking I wasn’t worth a date.”

“No, don’t blame yourself. I think the apps are the problem. Something is lost when the whole person is reduced to a few sentences. It’s no wonder that sometimes it feels like mixing honey and vinegar.

“Great. I like that. So which are you, honey or vinegar?”

“Haha, actually I don’t like honey at all, so I guess I’ll-“

“Ummm…” (turns into a thousand bees)

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