Some specifics in the studios’ proposed WGA contract



Article 12:

1. The contracted writers agree to name their first born son “Skip Intro”.

2. Contracted writers agree to provide their own pencils.

3. Platform Studio agrees to provide all dry-erase markers.

4. Up to the age of nine (9) will be required to “leave” to stream content from their parent’s employer’s platform on at least two (2) devices at all times.

4.a. In the event that Skip runs away from home before the age of nine (9) (and therefore misses out on contractual streaming time), a platform executive is permitted to conduct an “experiment between owners”, to see whether Whom does Skip like more?

4.A.1 The experiment will take place in an old-fashioned courtroom or on top of a city bridge.

4.a.2 Audience background actors will be hired through Central Casting.

4.a.3 Officials are not allowed to secretly keep any newspapers or subliminal streaming material to entice Skip to run in their favor.

Article 22:

1. The contracted author promises never to illegally pirate a television show or movie.

1.a. Non-compliance will result in Skip being forfeited to the stage studio immediately after the completion of Article 12-4 (i.e. the night of his ninth (9th) birthday).

1.B. Upon arriving to collect the skip following the non-compliance, the contracted author shall have one (1) opportunity to win the skip back (see Article 23-1).

2. All contracted authors agree to verbally and casually tell their friends that password sharing is a “cringe”.

3. Snacks provided by Platform Studios will never be store-branded.

3.a. Trader Joe’s discount.

Article 23:

1. The Contracted Author is required to provide the Platform’s authorities with one (1) of the following methods in order to maintain custody of the skip:

A) Allowing the contracted writer to guess the sentence-based name of the executive college improv troupe.
b) ask three (3) riddles related to NBC Office (Questions can only be selected from Seasons 2-7).
C) Forcing the contracted writer to contact old romantic partners to make sure they weren’t still making fun of the streaming account.

1.a. If the contracted writer fails in any one act, the stage executive is allowed more chances for dramatic effect.

1.B. The evening before the final trial for Skip’s custody should the executive fire and/or walk around the woods, the contracted writer is not allowed to hear any of the interpretive songs sung therein.

1.c. If the contract writer is able to win custody of Skip, the executive is allowed to make an ominous reference to “it” not being over yet, and the contract writer promises that the executive’s words will be “marked up” satisfactorily. .

Article 29:

1. If an executive pitches an objectively good idea to the contracted writer, and the contracted writer says, “Oh, uh, yeah, maybe this could work,” then the contracted writer must incorporate said good idea.

2. The contracted author shall have access to relevant streaming data (views, completion percentage, etc.) (see Article 33-1).

3. Skip will receive Pavlovian training to salivate to the sound of the “Netflix Original” theme.

Article 33:

1. Streaming data can be accessed via the following dungeon crawl method (by skip only):

1.a. Snack Crumbs’ trail through the woods. The trail would sometimes fork, with one branch carrying the name brand, the other carrying the store brand. (Leads store brand Spike Pit [let’s see if they really are “so obviously worse”],

1.B. The name brand trail will lead to an old cottage house. Skip A must-hear lecture written by ChatGPT in the style of Aaron Sorkin.

1.B.1 The lecture will be about how capitalism is not the problem. Why would a company want to provide a good service indefinitely, when instead they could have a huge IPO for the simple business of increasing profits until the end of time?

1.b.2 Lecture will be given by Sarah Snook.

1.c. The following lecture skips will be taken to the dungeon caverns.

1.d Skip will only be allowed to use his phone while streaming, instead of a flashlight ozark Season 2 as a light source.

1.e. Relevant streaming data to the contracted writer would be continuously transmitted via Morse code A-LA on the cave wall stranger things Christmas lights.

1.e.1. Don’t worry about the fact that Skip can run halfway through the transition. Movies don’t work like this.

Article 35:

1. The contract can be canceled at any time if the contracted author uses a VPN.

Article 37:

1. Let’s stop there. Lunch subscription anyone? How can we turn off voice-to-text? God, I can’t wait to put ads on all platforms.

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