Kohinoor and the Blue Tick are back, with some priceless confessions


On a quiet December evening in 1989, a bored scanner zoomed in on reports of an awkward conversation between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles, in which the current monarch made an important confession. He expressed a desire to ‘live inside her trousers’ and claimed he wanted to reincarnate as Camilla’s tampon.

When a transcript of this leaked phone call made headlines, my neurons quickly decided that it was acceptable to instantly forget every element in the periodic table and even the names of some of my relatives, scrupulously searching for this information. needed to be protected. More than thirty years and withered when I saw the coronation.

‘Be ambitious and work hard,’ we keep telling our kids, ‘so that some day you can make it straight to the top’. Now they’ll throw it back in our faces, ‘Stop it mom, look at Charles, his ambition was just to be a tampon and now he’s a king!’

Coronation week meant four days off and my university extended our second term deadline by one day. This meant that instead of sitting at my desk revising my essay for the eleventh time, I had some extra time to join in the festivities in my own way. I immediately bought a Meghan Markle cardboard mask, put it on and started walking across London to work my way towards making up for her absence at her father-in-law’s coronation.

I understood the reason for Megan’s absence only after watching one reel of Jarna Garg. The comedian eloquently put her absence into context: ‘My father-in-law just went to renew his driving license too, do you think I went with him?’

The conversation about coronation seems to have given rise to the old Kohinoor controversy. Traditionally, the Queen’s coronation included wearing a crown with the infamous diamond. On this occasion, the palace issued a statement that the Kohinoor would not be used in formal proceedings. This did not stop the Indians from once again demanding the return of the Kohinoor. I would like to ask the British to return not only the Kohinoor, but also our other two priceless gems, Vijay Mallya and Lalit Modi, as requested earlier.

No discussion of Coronation Day would be complete without mentioning Sage Sunak, the brown man who ruled the land of his former colonizers. Indians are overjoyed as Sunak created history as the first Indian-origin Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. His ascent may have surprised many but not his mother-in-law. In a recent interview, Sudha Murthy, one of India’s most loved writers, quipped, “I made my husband a businessman. My daughter made her husband the Prime Minister of Britain.

His comment provoked an immediate reaction but there was a certain veracity in his light-hearted remark. After all, standing beside every great man, there is often a woman constantly telling him what he’s doing wrong. And she’s usually right.

Let’s digress from the rulers of the land to the rulers of our cultural zeitgeist. Royalty in the virtual world doesn’t come with a crown or an address at 10 Downing Street, it comes with a verified checkmark. The kings and emperors of culture on Twitter may or may not have blue blood but they definitely have a blue tick.

Elon Musk, who runs Twitter the way I do trying to lose weight with basically no set plan and hope for divine intervention, recently decided that as long as they can’t get paid for it Till then no one will get blue tick. To his surprise, the Elon brothers soon learned that once celebs lost their verified status, the rest of the Twitter tribe didn’t care whether they had one or not. He forgot a simple rule: if everyone is naked, then nudity becomes not acceptable, it becomes desirable. After this ‘oops a daisy’ moment, the Elon brothers suddenly gave celebrities their blue ticks back, claiming that he had subscribed and verified their phone numbers. This resulted in blue ticks reappearing on the accounts of deceased people such as the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, and players such as Pele and Kobe Bryant. I’m still unsure how they verified their phone numbers for Twitter Blue, unless Elon Bhai used a psychic and a Ouija board.

Meanwhile, with their blood and account status running blue, the royal family has been tweeting official pictures and recipes from their coronation. I have a cousin who has already tried the quiche recipe and a bunch of older relatives who have asked me to collect coronation memorabilia for them and bring it back home. So, now I have a bag full of plates decorated with pictures of Queen Camilla, coffee mugs with William and Kate around the rim, and a children’s sticker book with pictures of King Charles. And of course, when I bought my Meghan mask, I also picked up a bunch of masks with pictures of other royals in case all my aunts and uncles want to join in on some royal role-play.

I can understand that the British were invested in the coronation of King Charles, but there are also a large number of Indians, despite our legacy of colonialism and our complicated relationship with the symbols of British imperialism. This infatuation feels like a relationship with an ex-lover, even one who abused you. You don’t miss them or ever want them back, but still occasionally find yourself staring at their Instagram feed, or in this case, the live broadcast described by one of my daughter’s classmates. Streaming to, ‘two hours of watching a guy sitting in a chair and trying on a hat’.



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The views expressed above are the author’s own.



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