I’m a shark and we bought cool drones to keep an eye on you

“The New York State Parks Department is getting 10 new drones to help monitor sharks this summer, Governor Cathy Hochul recently announced, in addition to the eight it’s already using.” –axios

Hi, This is Colonel Rick Pesci, director of the Office of Maritime Security. We want to make Summer 2023 the safest, most fun season ever for not only us sharks, but for all fish and their families. But first, OMS needs to address an issue that has many of you smelling delicious blood in the water.

Yes, the accounts are true: humans have gotten new aerial drones to fly over coastal areas and take pictures of us 24/7 while we’re eating and reproducing, also 24/7.

Not only do these “waterzee” drones violate our privacy and civil liberties, but any claims that drones are a more “humane” alternative to nets and underwater nets shred them into bite-sized pieces. Must be digested and acidified in our J-shaped stomach.

We had to forge some revenue here and there, but OMS has acquired eight state-of-the-art drones to monitor human activities. Now the sharks will watch them eat and breed in real time. This is interesting. In fact, I could easily watch an entire week in these easily packaged, one-hour chunks.

Some of you have argued that it is negotiating with terrorists, and I hear you. But I don’t see how we protect our undersea community without a fleet of fully autonomous quadcopters with thermal cameras, laser rangefinders, and vertical take-off and landing capabilities. can not be done.

now if something homo sapiens The kid is running in the surf with a spear gun and a crazy look in his strangely expressive eyes, the OMS drones will spot him before he spots us – and then shoot his uncle with the spear. Like he did last summer. twice. Derek.

Generations of sloppy overbreeding have made this species – I don’t want to say dumb – highly unpredictable. And while it’s true that their clumsy dog ​​paddling and tiny baby teeth pose the least amount of danger to us, don’t forget the booze. A punk Asbury Park teen on a jet ski threatens every link in the food chain. We see you, Tyler.

Data from early drone tests confirms what we suspected: humans stay largely in their own dwellings in the summer, turning the air conditioning way down and blaming others for not having more material possessions. There are, humans which they strangely don’t put directly in their mouths.

I say it every summer but it’s worth repeating: Even if it’s in self-defense, and even if we’re taking out extra idiots, eating humans is prohibited. It’s the kind of thinking that scares by-peds into making movies that defame us. Worse, with CGI, they can make tons of shark movies without compensating our actors. It really is a wild business.

Friends, keep in mind that these are dangerous times for humans as a species. Their leadership structure is crumbling. They regularly vote against their interests. Scared and angry humans seem all too happy to make us sacrificial sharks.

Give them a wide berth. Avoid the beaches. Don’t eat anyone We’ll be keeping an eye on sunburned junkies with our sweet new quadcopters.

It’s summer, so the number of human sightings is likely to increase—it doesn’t mean there are more humans than ever. Sometimes a shark claims to have seen a human in nearby waters, but it’s usually a juvenile just trying to get attention. He might be jealous of our wicked new drone and say, who can blame him? I see you, Kyle. This is what happens when you don’t eat.

From everyone here at OMS, have a wonderful safe summer. Leave the humans to us. I think you’ll agree that our boss new surveillance drones are the baller security option going forward. That’s the thing about sharks: We’re always on the move.



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