If the IRS wrote a thank you note

Dear frank,

We wanted to let you know how touched we are by your generous mandate contribution. 30% of your base income… This was just what we wanted! How in the world did you guess? You must be a mental patient of some sort (even if the records clearly indicate you are employed as an assistant dental hygienist, with some supplemental income as an Uber driver).

Anyway, thanks again for being such a friend and taking this country forward. Best of luck to your three protégés!

forever Yours,
Internal Revenue Service

hi jessica,

It’s been a long time, but we hope you had a great fiscal year! We don’t normally do this, but because you are a special person in our lives, we thought you deserved to know where your tax money is going. Awesome, isn’t it?

So, a lot of people’s money is spent on simple things like roads and schools, which is well and good. But you are one of the lucky few who actually got funding for a very special project. In fact, every cent you send to the government has been spent on developing something called “blimp warfare”. We can’t go into too much detail – it’s all red tape haha ​​- but we’re sure you feel like all your hard earned money is going towards a good cause. Let’s just say, if we play our cards right, we’ll be seeing you floating in Chinese airspace in a few years!


dear emily,

Oh god, are you the best or what? We have 168 million friends to collect, but we were most excited about your paperwork. No one can fill out a 1040 like you. I mean, that purple ink you used? Enjoyable. Our deputy commissioner has been talking about this for several weeks. We can only imagine how long it took you to plan that little number. If you can believe it, most people don’t seem that enthusiastic about paying their taxes. However, you are one of the good ones.

No need to get too emotional here, but thanks for being a true friend. When you receive notice that you are being audited, rest assured that you have done nothing wrong. We’re just looking for more opportunities to hang out!

Looking forward to reading more of that hilarious purple paperwork.

thanks again,
Your BFFs (Bureau of Financial Friends)

hey brian

We thought it would be best to reach out to you directly on such a sensitive topic.

So Listen brother. You don’t have any hard feelings about paying virtually nothing in taxes this year. no bullshit. We are all good. Sure, this may sound a bit suspicious to some, given that you’re the CEO of a multinational conglomerate whose net worth is enough to overload a graphing calculator. But we know there are likely plenty of valid reasons why you have no reportable income.

Good luck getting back on your feet, champion. We are always there for you. If there’s anything we can do to save you, just let us know.

your fellow coastal elite

Dearest Bernadette,

It is with great gratitude that we write this humble response to your gift. How long have we known each other—is it really 80 years!? We feel very lucky. You have been through so many ups and downs, and yet you never fail to remember our special day every spring. It’s going to be tough for you since you lost Ed. And heaven knows your kids don’t travel enough. But if you ever feel lonely, you can always think of us as your family. Counting a federal agency with thousands of employees as a loved one can be a bit strange. However, this means that there are thousands of hugs waiting for you whenever you want.

Internal Revenue Service

PS Our office has determined that you still owe an amount of $13,603.41. Please send the payment within 30 days or else you will be penalized to the fullest extent of the law.


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