So You have bought a nice woolen blanket. It’s kept you warm all winter, but frankly, it’s starting to stink. Be careful—throwing it in the wash can cause permanent damage. Follow these ten easy steps to properly clean your valuables.

  1. Shake your blanket vigorously and hang it in a well-ventilated area. Wool fibers prefer an east-to-west cross-breeze coming from a north- or south-facing window. Allow the blanket to air for 48 hours.
  2. Create spot treatments using pantry staples (items that any self-respecting person is likely already stocked at home). You will need a glass spray bottle, 3 cups lukewarm water from a nearby stream or estuary, 2 cups distilled white vinegar (2.5% acidity), ⅓ cup Belvedere vodka, ¼ cup Dawn Ultra dishwashing liquid, peel of 2 medium Meyer lemons Will be , 1 tablespoon citric acid, 10 drops dorado azul essential oil, 3 teaspoons baking soda, tangelo peel, and a small pinch of Icelandic lava sea salt (the purple kind). Spray the mixture on any stains.
  3. Lay the blanket out on a flat, clean surface. Start brushing with your Mason Pearson brush- sorry, what? you do not have one? Oh god, these days they actually allow anyone to buy wool blankets.
  4. Order the Mason Pearson XL Boar Bristle Horse Hair Brush Made in London, England on Amazon Prime for $375.00. If it’s out of your budget, we question why you bought this blanket, but we suggest opening a new credit card. The American Express Platinum Card has great travel perks and rewards.
  5. Keep staring out the window while you wait for the delivery of your first class woolen gear. Once the package arrives, tear it apart like you’re a rabid raccoon who just found a bag half full of Meow Mix in an open trash can.
  6. Brush the blanket to remove built-up dirt — 35 times vertically, then 35 times horizontally. To the tune of “You’re my sunshine”, softly sings “You’re my blanket, my only blanket/You keep me cozy when it’s cold/You’ll never know, throw away/How much I love you/Please don’t Do take my blanket. Repeat this process four times, or until the sun has completely set, if daylight lasts.
  7. Soak the blanket in a five-gallon bucket of fresh water drawn from the Shiribeshi-Toshibetsu River in Japan. If you have any contacts in Hokkaido, great! reach upto. Otherwise, use your American Express Platinum card to book a flight to New Chitose Airport and get yourself riverside.
  8. After soaking for 72 hours, carefully transfer the soaked blanket to a non-agitator washing machine. Wash the blanket in cold water (54°F) with a mild detergent (wool-safe) for two minutes and 17 seconds (no more, no less)!
  9. Remove the blanket immediately. Gently wrap it in a 100% Turkish cotton towel. Slowly open the blanket with the same care you would use to delicately handle a fallen nest of blue jay hatchlings.
  10. Hang the blanket to dry. Wool fibers prefer a north-to-south cross-breeze coming from an east- or west-facing window. Keep away from direct sunlight.

You’ve successfully cleaned your fleece blanket (and earned 12,000 AMEX points)! Repeat weekly for best results.

If this hassle-free routine sounds like too much involved, we don’t know why you would even consider buying this thing, but here are some alternative ways for other lazy people who need this high-quality item. Should not be kept in the first place. ,

  • Spray Downy April Fresh Freeze on the blanket.
  • Throw baby powder at him from across the room.
  • Light a fire in the blanket.
  • Throw it out the window when you’re speeding down the highway.
  • Bury it deep in the lower mantle of the earth so that you will never have to think about it again.

Was this helpful to you? Read our related articles: “How to Achieve Nirvana” and “How to Become an Aerospace Engineer.”

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