If you have ever given yourself three (3) points:
- Standing directly under a streetlight shot out the streetlights with a homemade potato cannon and then danced to Yes Yes Yes’s “Heads Will Roll” while sharks and streetlights cascaded around you.
- ate an Oreo without turning it and scooping out the cream; Just a little bit of that bastard. (Three (3) extra points if you don’t have a glass of milk.)
- Slept at a friend’s house who lived with his grandfather, a mysterious watchmaker.
- Went to live with the Rasta community for five weeks at the foot of Mount Meru in Tanzania.
- Sideswiped an armored car so that it spins out of control, flips over and drops the money bags.
- Wrote a memo to an executive in your company in iambic pentameter.
- Got punched in the face by a woman named Savannah in the backseat of a friend’s van.
- Hitchhiker to Chicago to see Savage Gardens at the Vick.
- Stole money from his cousin’s kid’s piggy bank to buy beer and smoke.
- holed up in your parents’ garage because you didn’t do as well on your AP exams as you’d hoped; Then carrying an old “protected by ADT” in front of him covered it.
- Kicked over his brother’s ant farm while playing basketball, released all the ants in his neighborhood, and didn’t tell the authorities that they were fire ants.
- peed next to House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt of Missouri at a urinal; Or urinated in a toilet stall adjacent to where United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala pees.
- Got a TI-89 calculator for my birthday and spent the whole day reading the manual.
- Participated (wittingly or unwittingly) at your local pool’s 4th of July belly flop contest and BBQ.
- Ran a daycare center for over ten years and drank three gin and tonics every day while the kids watched game shows and a flood of soaps.
- Used his casino winnings to buy tattoos in Las Vegas.
- Stuck into an advanced screening of Gloria Bell starring Julianne Moore and John Turturro.
- Drove a truck while pulling a cow in a trailer from Austin to Fort Worth on I-35 and then, somewhere just outside Waco, noticed that the cow you were pulling was no longer in the trailer.
- Received hash browns with your breakfast plate instead of fried potatoes you know you ordered while eating at a shitty diner in the Hamptons, and when refused replacement potatoes, walked out of his truck Gone, grabbed a chainsaw, went back to the diner, and saw the table in half. (Three (3) extra points if it was a booth.)
- peed in a pee trough next to Connecticut Governor Ned Lamont; or peed in a toilet stall next to where Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina was peeing; Or pee in a toilet stall two blocks down from where Eat Pray Love author Elizabeth Gilbert was peeing.
- Your local pool’s 4th of July belly flop contest and BBQ brought a taco salad shaped like an American flag.
- Learned to play the Undertaker’s entrance on the piano.
- A man has been attacked by a swarm of bees while walking on a nude beach in the Netherlands.
- Drove to any small rural New York City your brother is getting married in and, just outside Utica, stopped to pick up a hitchhiker wearing a suit but while the hitchhiker was running towards your car, a black Grand The Marquis stopped and someone threw his hitchhiker into the back seat. (Three (3) bonus points if you were driving a Nissan Xterra).
- Hootie and the Blowfish ate a Twinkie out of the drummer’s ass – while he was drumming!
- Assisted a great white shark in giving birth.
- Worked at a luxury hotel and broke up a fight between the hotel’s director of security and someone from the paparazzi who was following Oprah Winfrey.
- used his casino losses as an excuse to start a new life under the identity “Indigo Schmidt”.
- Kicking a basketball that rolled off the court as you were sadly walking back to your dorm and then watching that basketball fly into the hoop gives you renewed enthusiasm for your course of study.
- Ride in the elevator with award-winning chef, cookbook author and television personality Giada DiLaurentiis.
- Carved “At the end of the day, we can bear much more than we think – Frida Kahlo” in a toilet stall.
0 – 10: what are you, a kid? Actually, don’t answer this. Most kids in New York or Delaware score higher than that. Please, for the love of god, go out there and start a riot.
10 – 20: We’re not crazy about the idea of a bucket list, but we think you should probably start writing one. Given how difficult it can be to leave the couch given that we live in the golden age of prestige TV, you have to try something.
20 – 30: You’re having fun, but you’re also maxing out your 401(k), which will allow you to have more fun in the future. continue.
30 – 40: You enjoy playing “Never Have I Ever” a little too much. And while all your siblings are a little worried about you, their kids think you’re the coolest person in the family, which means a lot. Even if your parents disagree.
50 – 60: now we’re talking! We will shake hands with you, but we are also afraid of where it has been lately. Will you take us with you next time you go on holiday?
70 – 80: You don’t even want to know the reputation you’ve developed over the years. Which is good because we would have a hard time determining whether it is good or bad. To put this into perspective, your photo is currently framed at the United Nations, but also pinned on a corkboard at the FBI.
80 – 90: Congratulations, you’ve made The Most Interesting Man in the World look like a Boy Scout. Have you considered writing a memoir? what is that, you’ve already done and it’s a NYT best seller? of course it is.
90 – 100: You are a direct descendant of Dionysus. You have such a deep knowledge that it is actually a curse. If there is a heaven, you will not go there. But it is not necessary that you are also welcome in Hell. We’re not sure whether to be sick or inspired, but we do know we want your number.