9 a.m.: Coffee in hand, I’m sitting on the balcony trying to analyze the cognitive dissonance that led Will Smith, in the pursuit of his wife’s happiness, to go up on stage and joke about Jada’s appearance. For slapping Chris Rock.
Seeing my neighbor on the balcony next door, I wave at her like a pigeon defecating on her ponytail. Instead of getting angry, she smiles and exclaims, ‘Looks like my lucky day today.’ That’s when I have an epiphany. India can change your perspective on an unconscious level. It is not Will Smith’s fault that he thought a slap was an acceptable response, it is India’s.
As Amit Bhai once said, you understand the chronology.
During his visit a few years earlier, Smith said, ‘Traveling to India … has opened me up to a new understanding of my art and the truths of the world.’ At the time, we didn’t consider what exactly he discovered, but now it seems relatively clear.
It must have started when he went to do his item song in Student Of The Year 2 and Ananya Panday got a loud slap from her father in a crucial scene. Apparently, a member of the unit said that a worried Smith also asked why people in India keep threatening each other with ‘one-tight-slap’. I believe he was convinced that Indians are used to hearing it, especially from their parents, and that it is a sign of affection.
I also think that before going to dinner, Salman bhai must have looked at his host. It is unlikely that he would remember the iconic trailer of Dabangg where Sonakshi tells Chulbul, ‘Thappad se dar nahi lagta saheb, pyaar se lagta hai’.
All these factors seem to have left Will with a new understanding – a slap a day makes the heart flutter.
11 am: In a meeting at a producer’s office, I am informed that there has been a flood of new film titles being recorded as tributes to The Kashmir Files. Since the big cities have already been claimed, now the poor people are registering names like Andheri Files, Khar-Danda Files and even South Bombay Files. I am just wondering if my colleagues can still call themselves filmmakers, or with all this filing, they have all become clerks, like the original nationalist Manoj Kumar.
3 p.m.: This is the time of day when I want to slap myself for staying awake. I pour myself another coffee and browse through the internet instead. Praying to my 30,000 gods is my belief in intangible things, so I’ve never been particularly interested in NFTs and the Metaverse; Not even in Snoop Dogg’s world with virtual concerts and pool parties. But when I read about the first celebrity to buy real estate in the metaverse, I was intrigued. It is not Khan but good old Daler Mehndi and he has named it Balle-Balle Land. Now on such a dull afternoon, who wouldn’t want to go away and try their hand at Tunak Tunak Tun?
8 p.m.: Mom has invited us for dinner and while she’s fiddling with her granddaughter, I inform her that I’ve also recorded a title based on The Kashmir Files wave.
‘I’m going to make a film called The Nail File.’
‘About what? a disastrous manicure,’ she asks
‘Maybe, but at least it’s better than putting the final nail in the communal coffin,’ I say.
‘By the way, I have a theory about this Will Smith slap, you wanna hear it?’ She shakes her head and cuts off, ‘It’s not right to slap someone,’ but I didn’t like Chris Rock’s response where he said something like, ‘I didn’t know Will had such a temper and that’s the bald truth. . How could he say that to that poor alopecia root?’
‘Mom, it’s fake. It’s like what people forward on WhatsApp, ‘Congatulation’. Our national anthem has been chosen by UNESCO as the best in the world. Jai Namo’. Anyway, I think Jada can go up, grab the mic and voice her complaints herself. Along with slapping someone for a joke, I also can’t understand this man-protects-his-wife business. He was a comedian on stage, not a saber-toothed hunter. Humans have developed complex language skills. Instead of raising our hands to defend ourselves, we can raise our voice.
Suddenly noticing that my little girl had barely touched her paratha, I warned her, ‘What do you think you are doing? Finish everything in your plate, otherwise you will get a kada from me.’
‘Really complex language skills!’ Mother smiles.
Ignoring her snide comments, I continued, “Mom, I was thinking of putting this joke on Instagram,” Will Smith knew that even stand-up comedians liked to slap. He didn’t have a stick. , So he tried his best.” What do you think?’
Hearing this, my will to live has ended. ‘Will’, you understand? she says, laughing, while I wonder whether this tendency to make bad puns is an inherent trait.
end of article