Can you call back later, mom? i’m the weirdo here



AOkay you mindless slab of meat Goomba, before I kneel you down, I’ll give you one last chance to admit that you’re working with the Feds, and–

Excuse me, I have to take this. I apologise. Niko, take the pliers.

Ma, hey I’m a little busy here. What? Yes, I took my sinus medicine. I can smell better. it is! No, I won’t put you on speakerphone… because I say so! I’m the most feared lieutenant in the Five Families, and no one tells me-

Guys, mom wants to say hello. ok mom, are you listening? The boys say hello. They are blowing kisses too. Oh, that says thanks to “Ice Pick” Angelini Chicken Cacciatore. Whassat ma? I’ll tell him. Joe, she says please bring back the Tupperware tomorrow, and make sure it’s clean this time or you’re in trouble, Caprice.

No, Enzo is not here. He was stabbed in a bar last week and is recovering. Yes, I bet she soaked her shirt in baking soda to get the stain out. Yes, I know cleaning up blood is hell.

I have to go now, mom. I’ll be there tomorrow, when I’m going to knee-jerk some guys at a strip club. I’m not letting you come Because last time you convinced three girls to quit sports and open a vegan bakery. Just hang on and I’ll be swinging at lunch.

You want me to get my gun? No, I will not attack your neighbors. I don’t care if Finkelstein accidentally cut down your azalea, I’m not burning down his house.

And while you’re at it, can you please stop sending email to the godfather? They don’t need a message in their inbox that says “Forward this to fifty people or you will die.” The man already has a bad heart, and you tell him “Eat, eat, you are a rake!” He’s gained sixty pounds, now the other Dons all call him Blob Boss. Yes, I think they should also wash their face with soap.

I don’t know why your computer keeps making such a buzzing sound. Probably because you haven’t closed a tab since 2007. a tab. It’s the little folder thing on your browser. Browser. The thing you open every morning and type “hello Google is the Pope a good man”.

Why are you asking Siri for help? you saw it NCIS, Mom, you’re on a Nokia that’s older than me. You can even ask the fridge to be yours.

Ok mom, I love you too. Yes, I will always be… I will be. I will. do you need to say that? I will always be your precious little boy. I said I’ll always be your precious little boy. Can I go now, for God’s sake?

I didn’t raise my voice. Yes, I know, I have taken the name of the Lord in vain, I will do my Jai Mary after reaching home. Now please, I have eighty pounds of cement I need to tape up a guy’s legs before it sets. I’m kicking Ricky “Pretty guy who looks a bit like Vin Diesel, but early Diesel, before he got chunky” Pasitano. It’s a shame, I agree. Yes, he is a very polite young man with good posture. I want to beat him. Because he told the Feds about my upcoming drug shipment and spent two hundred GS on me, that’s why.

What? You told someone about the shipment last week? WHO? A very nice guy who was doing a survey on Italian-American moms proud of their sons in the sanitation and/or construction industry? And then you sent the shipping forms so he could post them in his weekly newsletter?

Oh mother…

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